tired.

I'm tired of everything. Schoolwork, friendship, life.
I'm so freaking tired I want to fall asleep and never wake up until I feel that the day would be able to go smoothly without any emotional or mental breakdowns.
Physical, Emotional and Mental breakdowns. 3 at once right now.
I'm struggling emotionally to be stable and not break down. Mentally to resist the temptations of the smooth blade running through my wrist and the blood trickling down. Physically to hide the scars I've created after the Mental breakdown.
I don't trust anyone now honestly. Because the people I trust most break me. And like I like to say ' Trust no man, fear no bitch ' isn't it.
I honestly don't know what I'm feeling now. Happy for the people that I finally ' let go off ' ? Upset that everyone's leaving me. Oh wait I know, I'm suicidal.
Not to the extend that I really want to jump bc my mom needs me. I'm the only reason why she's still living now. If I'm gone, what would happen to her. So basically, the only reason I'm living is bc of my mom.
But if my moms gone as well and I were to face the demons alone, I'll jump. I promise I would. I want to. If my mom feels no pain when I'm gone, I'll jump, tie the noose tight or maybe heavy intake of pills.
I really need a relieve, an escape. No, drinking isn't enough, Yes I could drink the sorrows away but when I become sober again, hell starts all over. I want an effective escape. From reality, from the devils.
I have a reason to everything I do. Why do I drink ? Honestly it helps me de-stress and forget everything for awhile. Why do I hang out so much with the boys ? Bc I thought that they wouldn't bitch about me behind my back like the girls. I thought that they would be able to accept me for who I am. I thought that they were able to understand the shit I go through physically, mentally and emotionally. I thought that they'll lend me their shoulders when I cry. But no, everything was just my wishful thinking. They all judge. They bitch about me behind my back. They wouldn't be here for me. Who am I kidding ? Who would be here for me ? I'm just a nobody. A mistake. Someone who is just wasting space.
People all leave me one by one. Don't ask why I don't trust / believe anyone. Because the people I'm closest to, ( friends, family ) all leave me one by one.
I wanted a ' fuck it ' attitude. Just say fuck it to everything. You don't like me ? Fuck it. You hate me ? Fuck it. You bitch about me behind my back ? Fuck it.
So much for the attitude I wanted. Because I simply can't say fuck it to Ronald. I can't say fuck it to Yi Wei. I can't say fuck it to Axel. I can't say fuck it to Trina. Especially Trina. I honestly can't. The rest, I can. Its just so difficult to act like whatever happened between us isn't affecting me bc honestly it's affecting me big time.
Why are everybody leaving me ? What have I done to deserve this. I really don't know.
Am I supposed to cry ? smile ? scream ?
Reality check : no one likes you.
Just, ugh. I don't know. My eyes are swollen from crying. I don't know what to do now.
' I'll be fine. Someday but not today. ' I've said it a million times I'm starting to lose faith and patience. Is the someday coming soon ? bc I can't hold on much longer. I'm snapping. Are you sure I'll be fine then ?
I didn't mean to start a war. If i'm wrong, I apologize. But please don't hate me without letting me know the reason. I rather you be straight forward and hurt me than give me the bullshit like ' I didn't let you know is bc I'm afraid to hurt you ' bc when I find out it'll hurt me so much more.
I'm sorry. I can't continue this post anymore. The words are too blur for me to see any typos.