tired.

I'm tired of everything. Schoolwork, friendship, life.
I'm so freaking tired I want to fall asleep and never wake up until I feel that the day would be able to go smoothly without any emotional or mental breakdowns.
Physical, Emotional and Mental breakdowns. 3 at once right now.
I'm struggling emotionally to be stable and not break down. Mentally to resist the temptations of the smooth blade running through my wrist and the blood trickling down. Physically to hide the scars I've created after the Mental breakdown.
I don't trust anyone now honestly. Because the people I trust most break me. And like I like to say ' Trust no man, fear no bitch ' isn't it.
I honestly don't know what I'm feeling now. Happy for the people that I finally ' let go off ' ? Upset that everyone's leaving me. Oh wait I know, I'm suicidal.
Not to the extend that I really want to jump bc my mom needs me. I'm the only reason why she's still living now. If I'm gone, what would happen to her. So basically, the only reason I'm living is bc of my mom.
But if my moms gone as well and I were to face the demons alone, I'll jump. I promise I would. I want to. If my mom feels no pain when I'm gone, I'll jump, tie the noose tight or maybe heavy intake of pills.
I really need a relieve, an escape. No, drinking isn't enough, Yes I could drink the sorrows away but when I become sober again, hell starts all over. I want an effective escape. From reality, from the devils.
I have a reason to everything I do. Why do I drink ? Honestly it helps me de-stress and forget everything for awhile. Why do I hang out so much with the boys ? Bc I thought that they wouldn't bitch about me behind my back like the girls. I thought that they would be able to accept me for who I am. I thought that they were able to understand the shit I go through physically, mentally and emotionally. I thought that they'll lend me their shoulders when I cry. But no, everything was just my wishful thinking. They all judge. They bitch about me behind my back. They wouldn't be here for me. Who am I kidding ? Who would be here for me ? I'm just a nobody. A mistake. Someone who is just wasting space.
People all leave me one by one. Don't ask why I don't trust / believe anyone. Because the people I'm closest to, ( friends, family ) all leave me one by one.
I wanted a ' fuck it ' attitude. Just say fuck it to everything. You don't like me ? Fuck it. You hate me ? Fuck it. You bitch about me behind my back ? Fuck it.
So much for the attitude I wanted. Because I simply can't say fuck it to Ronald. I can't say fuck it to Yi Wei. I can't say fuck it to Axel. I can't say fuck it to Trina. Especially Trina. I honestly can't. The rest, I can. Its just so difficult to act like whatever happened between us isn't affecting me bc honestly it's affecting me big time.
Why are everybody leaving me ? What have I done to deserve this. I really don't know.
Am I supposed to cry ? smile ? scream ?
Reality check : no one likes you.
Just, ugh. I don't know. My eyes are swollen from crying. I don't know what to do now.
' I'll be fine. Someday but not today. ' I've said it a million times I'm starting to lose faith and patience. Is the someday coming soon ? bc I can't hold on much longer. I'm snapping. Are you sure I'll be fine then ?
I didn't mean to start a war. If i'm wrong, I apologize. But please don't hate me without letting me know the reason. I rather you be straight forward and hurt me than give me the bullshit like ' I didn't let you know is bc I'm afraid to hurt you ' bc when I find out it'll hurt me so much more.
I'm sorry. I can't continue this post anymore. The words are too blur for me to see any typos.

dreams

the dreams I'm blogging about isn't what you wish to achieve in the future but really, dreams.

there are two types of dreams, the good and the bad. 

but I think all dreams are bad, no good dreams but only sweet dreams. 

why, you may ask. 

you see, dreams are the works of our brains. the imaginations and the cravings we have, if we think too much, that image will be played in your dreams. 

but what I hate is the fact that sometimes dreams are unexpected and you may feel blessed or happy in that dream with somebody ( be it someone you like ) in that dream but when you wake up, you guys aren't in talking terms. for example in the dream you can actually hug him or whatsoever but in reality when you place your hand on his shoulder he'll shrug it off.

he doesn't know of your existence and neither is he thinking about doing whatever he did in your dreams ( comforting you when you cry, hugging you when you're upset, etc. ) 

that's when you get your hopes up, wishing that everything single thing that happened in your dreams will happen to you in real life. 

you'll need a reality check. 

yes, that dream is sweet and you catorgeorise it as a ' good dream '.

when you wake up, you'll wish that something similar will happen to you but in reality, it won't. how is that even good ? 

and slowly you realize that that is just a dream and none of that will ever happen to you in real life except when you're like, super lucky. or maybe you confessed to that guy and he likes you back. then you're a lucky little bitch.

you'll be disappointed and that will slowly be cateogorised as a bad dream. 

and they say that phsycollogically, if you dream of someone in your sleep, it means that they miss you / is thinking about you. 

no. that's not true. 

why would they magically appear in your dreams if they miss you. 

" oh hi, I'm thinking about you. hence I'm in your dreams. good night " 

how retarded is that.

and trust me, it isn't true. I like seungri from Big Bang and was constantly dreaming about him last time. does that mean he miss me ? no, he doesn't even know of my existence. 

I don't like getting hopes high and then getting disappointed. like, what's the point.
because after all all that you've dreamed about will be replaced with the harsh reality. 

that's all for now, lol. 

xx, 

Chermin

I feel like shit

idk, I just do. maybe there's a lot of drama going on. or maybe because of the insecurities. but all I know and I'm 100% sure, I feel like shit. 

problem 1 : friends. 

I guess. maybe. idk. apparently I'm not close to the girls in my class. maybe I don't like them and they don't like me. or they see me no up so I'm with the guys now. 

because apparently some girls are not happy with the choices I make and the judgements I make. so I hang out more with the guys. and when I hang out with the guys, I'm always the only girl. and when that happens, I feel like an extra. are they really there to be my friend or hang out with me or they're just being nice and accept me since I'm basically a loner now. 

and honestly, I can't stand them at times. RONALD MOK AHEM. yes I know, we're good friends and all, but don't go overboard I guess. but I don't really mind that lol. 

problem 2 : attitude. 

my attitude is rather different now compared to last time. I've got 2 discipline case. and I heard that my whole class will get another one, which makes that 3.

and I talk back a lot. to teachers and friends. as long as you offend me, I shoot back. learn to deal with me I guess. 

problem 3 : judging. 

I'm being judged based on the clothes I choose to wear and the people I hang out with. apparently, you're not happy with the clothes I chose to wear and you call me a slut lol. and the way I'm think, did it offend you ? I'm definitely not sorry if I did. 

anyway, I'll blog more soon. not now. battery's dying and I'm still @ pasir ris and its 10.17pm. ughhh. anyway, bye I guess. 

💁💁💁