Insecurities

I have problem with my self-esteem.
Some days I'm okay. But some days I become really sad and insecure.
Thinking I'm ugly. I'm a big mistake and I'm just an extra and a big disappointment to everybody.
I have always wished to become those girls I see on Tumblr. Or as gorgeous as all the ulzzangs out there.
Maybe I try too hard to be pretty.
To be who everybody likes. Yes. I am a people pleaser at times.
Maybe because of this. I get misunderstood.
It may seem like I'm copying you but it's not intentional.
Because of that. I get misunderstood and judged.
Which makes me feel insecure again.
I think I'm ugly.
Really. And I'm not fishing for attention.
I mean. Yeah I am attention seeking and all. But then this is really how I feel. You might call me stupid for thinking this way. But this is how I seriously feel.
I cry everytime I feel insecure.
And when I joined secondary school. Insecurities are worse. Infact. I wasn't really that insecure at all in primary school. I was always smiling and laughing.
After entering secondary school. I see prettier girls. I see almost perfect girls
I see girls that guys fall head over heels for.
And I feel like a dusty old toy that nobody ones anymore.
What happened to the happy Chermin that guys always likes ?
I compare myself to all the people I see when I go out.
I'm too fat. I have too many pimples.
My feets are too big. My arms are too flabby.
Everything about me is just a mess.
And even my friends compare me to other people.
I laugh and smile when people judge me by my appearance and make jokes about my looks.
Inside. It feels like every word they say is a sharp knife piercing into my heart. I wonder if anybody go, ' Wow. She's gorgeous. ' or ' Wow. I want to be JUST like her. ' when they see me walk pass.
I doubt anybody goes like that when they see me. Infact. I think they went, ' EW. What is she ? ', ' Ohmygawd. She's so fat. ' ' Look at her poor complexion and what's with her hair ? Calligraphy brush ? ' or like, ' EW. GO AWAY. YOU'R CONTAMINATING EARTH. JUST, DIE ALREADY. '
I bet on the 3rd month of school I'm already hated by everybody I came across.
I try to be nice. I apologise when I'm wrong. But I don't think that solves everything.
I'll just have to stay strong. And fake smiles.
I guess that's just what I'll have to do.