everything happened because of insecurities. I was insecure because of my weight, height and looks. I questioned myself every time I walk pass prettier girls, " why can't I be pretty like them ? why can't I be the ones guys likes ? why can't I be pretty ? why am I not as skinny as her ? why am I not as petite as her ? " slowly, my problems becomes worse and I fell into depression. I couldn't smile for real for days. everything was going hay-wire. my step father then got caught by the police for some cheating case. he's caught and he's being thrown into jail for 5 years. I questioned myself again. " what have I done to deserve this ? " my parents divorced when I was younger and I was lacking of father-love. everyone were daddy's little angle and I ? my father doesn't really see me much and my step father is gone when I need him the most. the period of me growing up. he'll be gone for 5 years. from 13-18.
the times when I need him the most. but no, he's in jail.
but I've got to except the fact that he's gone. I've cried the whole day and when my mom came home, I faked a smile. and that's when I learn actually faking a smile helps. my best friend, max, http://theemaxtan.blogspot.com knew that I was crying.
then, I started to use sharp objects to scratch my wrists.
I've stopped for awhile, after spilling everything out to my best friend. I've been ' clean ' for awhile.
insecurities came back and it was even worse. I was alone at home most of the time nobody knew what was I doing.
I took a blade and slid my thighs ( the part where I thought was fattest on my body. ) 1 cut became to 3. blood was flowing non-stop and I used pressure to stop the blood. 3 soon became 20. and my mom saw the cuts one day. I came clean and told her everything.
from then on, I didn't touch my blade. but I didn't throw it away.
I promised I won't do it anymore and I don't want to disappoint anyone.
there are still days when I'm super insecure. I'll just lock myself in the room, blasting music and watching stupid programmes. hoping that it'll stop. I'll look at pictures I could relate to ( not really helping but meh, ).
I know that people love me and some care ( maybe they don't. honestly, I don't want to know. )
I'm really sensitive to the words, ' fat, ugly, useless, worthless. '
so yeah, now you guys know me for who I really am. and I'm sorry for lying all these while. I believe every girl goes through some stages of insecurities a few times in life. but all I can say is stay strong.
well, yeah. that's it for now. 💕
deleted all negative pictures. I don't want to be constantly reminded. but yeah. I'm staying strong. and to the girls out there who are feeling that way, stay strong. hell will end soon.
xx ,
chermin
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